It’s been a Year…and dievca cannot forget

20150408_231928_resizedMen Let Go Faster Than Women

Women tend to remember negative experiences longer and may have lingering feelings of stress, anxiety, or sadness. In contrast, men are less likely to dwell on unpleasant events and tend to move on more quickly.

dievca finds this to be true.

Master has washed out most of the memories of His illness and hospital stay.
dievca? she remembers almost everything — vividly. she can tell you the timeline, mistakes, surgery dates, Doctors, Nurses, Residents….

This dichotomy of the experience has shaped Master and dievca’s behavior for the past year.
Master doesn’t want to remember and dievca cannot forget.

Today is the anniversary of the first emergency room visit and stay. With all the testing, watching, poking and prodding — Master got the hiccups. Insult upon injury, especially when you aren’t allow to have water…or ice. 3 hours+ of hiccups, until 3 am – when he got admitted.

No, dievca is not celebrating. she’s honoring the journey.
In late April, she’ll celebrate Master’s return home. And in May, the removal of His drainage tubes.

she will do this all without Master.
He doesn’t remember.
He doesn’t want to remember.

And dievca cannot forget.

(Yes, dievca mentioned to Master that he might not want to look at the blog today.)


Or from Albert Scheweitzer...

Or the quote is from Albert Schweitzer…

28 Comments on “It’s been a Year…and dievca cannot forget”

  1. I think the mind has a way of washing out painful stuff from the masculine memory…. 🙂

    • dievca says:

      That is a great gift for the Men — makes sense.
      Helps them function under duress without loss of focus.
      It’s just tough for the person who sat beside them when there was trauma and they cannot figure out why they haven’t received a formal, “Thank You”. Or been appreciated for their time,money,concern and help. It took almost a year to forgive~lots of highs and lows.

      • I see what you mean, certainly. It’s human nature to assume that the people we depend on understand how much we appreciate them — but of course, they don’t unless we tell them. 🙂

      • dievca says:

        Honestly, I think it had to do with being uncomfortable recognizing a weakness and having to depend upon someone. Not being invincible…

      • Yes, it’s another one of our male subconscious compensators — it’s functional in ways, but it’s one that must be recognized and sublimated.

  2. missagathaarmstrong says:

    let me hold your hand while you remember z

    • dievca says:

      Ah, Thank You so very much. I appreciate it, greatly. I had a slew of friends close in on me afterwards and they were my rocks to lean upon when M. wasn’t able to be there. I learned that “No Woman is an Island” XO

  3. shygirl says:

    Memory like an elephant. That’s me, as well. I know women that can forget so very quickly, though. Hugs to you – hoping the memories blur soon.

  4. b.l. ronan says:

    trauma makes the most life-altering imprint. it digs roots deep and strong. but i hope you find some peace that he is on the mend, surrounded by the best people to help him heal and once more come home – to you. warmest wishes of strength and healing to you both x

    • dievca says:

      There is good news — M. healed 100%. Thank you. It could have gone the other way and it didn’t for many good reasons (he’s in really good shape, good hospital, good Docs and Nurses). In some ways, I feel that this has affected me more than him because M. has been able to just forget about it. I, for some bizarre reason, have to poke the wound, prod the wound, lance the wound before it will heal.

      • b.l. ronan says:

        it is often the way, i find. especially if you are already a worry wort -as i am . but the important thing is he is well and so are you xx
        and thank you so very much. x

  5. darkgemdom says:

    It is My opinion that Men can move on from physical memories/scars faster then from mental. Our brains are wired differently and compartment boxes (thoughts) are easily stored on the back shelf.

    • dievca says:

      It seems like it and I am sure when you are in pain, memories become a blur. I understand. It just didn’t happen the same to me, the person witnessing the event. So, I face it it head on/talk about it. To you all (and my slew of friends). 🙂

  6. Pelelotus says:

    Must have been distressing for you both. Hope M is doing better. X

    • dievca says:

      Ah, Pelelotus, it was an absolute bear. He almost died… Now? M. is fantastic, no real issues — He has more trouble from the bone break surgery (a year prior) than this surgery. The Gods were smiling. XO

  7. esther says:

    sorry that you are stuck with those memories. as a person more than blessed with traumas, if it didn’t kill me, i’d rather not dwell, have to share…just move on, and deal with now. it is too painful to deal with mortality issues when so obviously premature. xx

    • dievca says:

      Thanks Esther, that’s a really good point.
      I guess the caretaker is so in the moment – then they burnout. Their needs can’t be addressed for a long time and something is expected afterward. But, looking from the patient standpoint-maybe the ability to acknowledge wasn’t reachable. I guess both sides have to make the effort and meet in the middle.
      I’m traveling – M. called. The IV photo killed him~he met me in the middle.
      I am so glad that you are healthy, stay that way – please. XO

  8. zaychishka says:

    I think it’s best to wash away negative experiences instead of dwelling on them.. My friend always says how life is short.. Let’s not be miserable. Wishing health

    • dievca says:

      I think it was a lot coming at me when I am analyzing my own mortality, mid-life. I have had many people pass in my family – this came at a time when I realized I am no longer young and invincible. Plus, losing M would be, ah, devastating.
      I’m someone who faces things , then lets go. Brushing them aside hasn’t worked for me….bummer, huh?

  9. Anami Blog says:

    I hope Master is doing well, and wishing you all the strength to fade the memory.
    Anami, xx

  10. Well, who can blame M for not wanting to remember? Moving ahead is part of the healing process and, from what I read, he is doing just fine. So it works! But I totally see your point – such an experience can be so much more traumatic for the caretaker who, moreover, has to put on a brave face. But you are both doing well guys, that’s what counts in the end! xxx

    • dievca says:

      I got it, too, when I finally realized how much he shoved out of his memory. I didn’t realize that he had a blank for about 6+ months. That was the problem. BTW, he still doesn’t register how much I did….

  11. lily says:

    So sorry you both went through all of that. The role of caretaker is not an easy one. Hopefully with time, some of your bad memories will fade a bit. Writing them out in a journal could be cathartic for you. That way He wouldnt see it here and potentially be painful for him. I hope all is well, and He is doing better now!

    • dievca says:

      Thank you, Lily. We are good. I’ve already gotten it out (not very good at holding things in…terrible at journals) and M. is remembering bits and pieces. I just don’t mention it and he comes with questions once in awhile.


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