Hello, how are you doing? I hope my choice of blog reposts these past two weeks were semi-interesting. If nothing else, I had fun going back to read them and revisit the memories.
I didn’t get a chance to read blogs like I thought I would. I ended up researching a graduate program (3rd Master’s degree anyone? We will see), working extra to allow me to travel down South.
The traveling included visiting Families and Friends, learning about myself and watching people react:
- How does one deal with chemo after getting a great check-up with a Doctor who can only give a lukewarm delivery. How many times had that Doctor put their heart on the line, to be shut down?
- Or watching the robust couple who lost (or gained) everything with a brain tumor? The frank discussion of choosing not to do radiation the next time it’s needed.
- I have a tendency to see something in a home that needs done and doing it….it’s invasive, yet, needed. So, I pray that my minor moments of help are seen as a “break” not an offense.
- Talking to college students about their hopes, dreams and drinking across Europe is very entertaining.
- Cuddling with immense dogs is messy and healing.
- All done while eating a whole lot of BBQ and butter~ everything is better with butter.
This watchfulness and self-reflection of family relationships, relationships and friendships triggered a review of what I want for the future, what I want for my Life and why I want things. I know that I am not in need, but what would fulfill me?
I don’t have any hard conclusions, but I’d like to share information I’ve pondered.
Assess your friend network
Research shows that having a strong network of relationships is vital to our health.
It’s harder to make friends as we get older.
Tereasa Jones, who has a master’s degree in counseling and is a certified life coach who specializes in friendship coaching, had suggestions about how to make new friends as an adult..
According to Jones, we all move through a variety of interpersonal relationships on a daily basis.
- “Intimates” are the lifelines you can call at 3 a.m. with an emergency.
- “Friends” you spend time with, but maybe don’t share every detail of your life
- “Friendly acquaintances” are people you know you like and whom you see on a regular basis in a particular setting, like work or the yoga studio. They’re the ones you’ve considered inviting out for coffee, but never have.
- “Acquaintances” are people you’re friendly with in passing, at the store, the gym, in the elevator.
I asked myself which of these categories am I missing in my life?
None, but changes can be considered.
I have a lot of “friendly acquaintances” and “friends” by default – there is always someone I can ask to meet for coffee, a movie, a museum, talk about an issue, ask advice. And I do have a core set of “intimate friends” whom I connect with consistently, but most of them live in different states/countries….
That might be the group I need to address, locally.
It’s tough as an adult to find the time, desire and say “yes” to the odd activity, but as Amy Silverstein suggests:
Sometimes friendship is just about showing up
“Don’t be afraid to show up….Push yourself a little bit, when you sense that you’re needed. Show up with an open mind to be there in any way that your friend needs: to let her yell, cry, not say anything at all, [or to] just hold her hand.”
I’m well aware that in most cases you receive what you give.
Yes, there are the odd circumstances where you get taken advantage of….but if you keep your eyes, ears and heart open. You should be o.k.
If I keep my eyes, ears and heart open. I should be o.k.
Wish me Luck!
How is your friend situation looking? Any way you can push away from the BBQ and butter to meet someone new? Let me know about it!
Thank you to Annaliese Griffin from Well & Good
And an interesting read from a Guy's Viewpoint.
dievca’s reaction to Master, this week, prompted an analysis.
Oddly enough, the analysis started with the Rolling Stones:
- The act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings of another is known as sympathy. Empathy, on the other hand, not only is an identification of sorts but also connotes and awareness of one’s separateness from the observed. One of the most difficult tasks put upon man is reflective commitment to another’s problem while maintaining his own identity.
—Journal of the American Medical Association, 24 May 1958
Hmmm — a tough go. Let’s clarify:
In 1909, the psychologist Edward Titchener translated the German Einfühlung (‘feeling into’) into English as ‘empathy’. Empathy can be defined as a person’s ability to recognize and share the emotions of another person, fictional character, or sentient being. It involves, first, seeing someone else’s situation from their perspective, and, second, sharing their emotions, including, if any, their distress.
Empathy is often confused with pity, sympathy, and compassion, which are each reactions to the plight of others.
Pity is a feeling of discomfort at the distress of one or more sentient beings, and often has paternalistic or condescending overtones. Implicit in the notion of pity is that its object does not deserve its plight, and, moreover, is unable to prevent, reverse, or overturn it. Pity is less engaged than empathy, sympathy, or compassion, amounting to little more than a conscious acknowledgement of the plight of its object.
Sympathy (‘fellow feeling’, ‘community of feeling’) is a feeling of care and concern for someone, often someone close, accompanied by a wish to see him better off or happier. Compared to pity, sympathy implies a greater sense of shared similarities together with a more profound personal engagement. However, sympathy, unlike empathy, does not involve a shared perspective or shared emotions, and while the facial expressions of sympathy do convey caring and concern, they do not convey shared distress. Sympathy and empathy can lead to each other, but not always. It is possible to sympathize with such things as hedgehogs and ladybirds, but not, strictly speaking, to empathize with them. Conversely, psychopaths with absolutely no sympathy for their victims can nonetheless make use of empathy to snare or torture them. Sympathy should also be distinguished from benevolence, which is a much more detached and impartial attitude.
Compassion (‘suffering with’) is more engaged than simple empathy, and is associated with an active desire to alleviate the suffering of its object. With empathy, “I share your emotions”; with compassion, “I not only share your emotions but also elevate them into a universal and transcending experience”. Compassion, which can be built upon empathy, is one of the main motivators of altruism.
An act of Human Involvement on any level (micro or macro):
According to Master, dievca has a lot of empathy for her fellow-man.
But in a certain case, she could only offer her pity.
dievca is sorry…..mmmmmm….
….if that song from Monday has been stuck in your head all week. (here’s why)
It’s been stuck in her head, too.
It’s an “EarWorm”.
An earworm, sometimes known as a brainworm, sticky music, or stuck song syndrome, is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person’s mind after it is no longer playing. Phrases used to describe an earworm include “musical imagery repetition”, “involuntary musical imagery”, and “stuck song syndrome” (wiki)
Which brought up this song:
Which may be an Earworm in of itself.
Why do we run into EarWorms?
TED Talks: Earworms: Those songs that get stuck in your head – Elizabeth Hellmuth Margulis (4 min 45 sec)
PSYCHOLOGY TODAY: Tunes Stuck In Your Head: You May Have An Earworm – The Science behind Haunting Melodies
What are your Earworms?
Umm, it could be a subtle form of S & M.
Do you love picnics?
Is it still warm by you?
Nice for a bike ride and a meal?
Originally spotted in a Scandinavian Liquor Store while sourcing a local liquor as a gift. The first offering’s name is stellar!:
Then found in a local NYC sandwich shop (‘wichCraft):
dievca loves picnics and is intrigued by the convenience of a canned wine. But she’s leery to waste her money and taste buds on bad wine.
Has anyone given them a try?
There are some words that defy definition in the English Language – yet are so right for a situation. One “hot” word comes to mind:
Hygge (Danish) is a word used when acknowledging a feeling or moment, whether alone or with friends, at home or out, ordinary or extraordinary as cosy, charming or special.
Which seems very similar to:
Gezelligheid (Dutch), a word that depending on context can be translated as convivial, cozy, fun, or nice atmosphere, but can also show someone belonging, time spent with loved ones, the fact of seeing a friend after a long absence, or the general togetherness that gives people a warm feeling.
That said, here are some words that don’t translate easily to the English language, yet convey some very important concepts in relationships.
Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who wish to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start.
Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. A “binding force” that links two people together in any relationship.
Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone’s hair.
Retrouvailles (French): The happiness of meeting again after a long time.
Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love.
Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” One’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
Forelsket: (Norwegian): The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.
Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”
Thank you to Pamela Haag Psychology Today Article (here) with photos and additions by dievca.
FINDING THE AVERAGE –
A TECHNIQUE USED FOR A CENTURY
Anthropologist Sir Francis Galton – who was also the cousin of Charles Darwin – pioneered the method of ‘composite portraiture’ in the 1880s.
He superimposed multiple portraits of individuals’ faces together to create an average.
All of the portraits were registered on the subject’s eyes and the rest of the face was created around them.
The faces have been the topic of fierce debate over the last hundred years, with much psychological research focusing on the attractiveness of the face and why different people find one more attractive than the other.
Other psychologists, including Sigmund Freud in his work On Dreams, picked up Galton’s suggestion that these composites might represent a useful metaphor for an ideal type or a concept of a ‘natural kind’.
To this day, the method is still used by scientists studying attractiveness and beauty – although computer programs have replaced much of the original methods used at the turn of the 19th century.
Arguments were offered that the samples were “20 somethings” – but its a place to start. Noticeably, the United States, Canada and Australia composites are not offered — but those countries are known for being developed by immigrants from many other countries. Look at dievca – she’s a mutt (Ukrainian and Slovak), Master is a mutt (Scandanavian, Irish and English), etc. The past is written in your Face.
But its fun to see the trends of traditional ethnic features laid out.
quiver, shake, tremble, shiver, shudder, throb, pulsate, rattle, rock, wobble, oscillate, waver, swing, sway, move to and fro, judder
81% of women and 91% of men who have used a vibrator have done so with a partner. (1)
Enhancing sex and foreplay with a vibrator brings in a whole new level of excitement and pleasure, but like there are many different people in the World, there are many different ways to “vibe”.
Note: the ideas below are written for heterosexual couples, but many apply to same sex couples as well. The products are from “JimmyJane” a line which dievca has found to be very stable, clean-lined, hardworking and elegant.
USING A VIBRATOR DURING FOREPLAY
Tingly Touches – An erotic massage is a delicious way to start an intimate evening. Light a Natural Massage Oil Candle, slip HELLO TOUCH over your fingertips, and explore your partner’s body with vibration. Or get more adventurous with E-stim – electric sensation from HELLO TOUCH X.
Watch and Learn – According to a Men’s Health survey, 80% of women want their partner to watch them masturbate. “The fact that she’s turning you on while bringing herself to orgasm makes her feel incredibly sexy,” says sex therapist, Sandor Gardos. dievca knows that Master loves to watch her masturbate, she has used the LITTLE CHROMA, her hands and the FORM 2.
Backwards Hug – With the woman in front in a spoon position (lying or sitting), her partner in back can encircle her with his arms go fondle her breasts, vagina, and anywhere else that feels good. She can simultaneously stimulate herself with a clitoral vibrator, such as FORM 2.
Get Handy (for Him) – Adding some vibration to a hand job can multiply his pleasure. Place HELLO TOUCH on your mid-fingers and place your hand so that the two vibrators contact and rub against the sensitive underside of his shaft, just beneath the head. Alternatively, using a male masturbator like FORM 5 to stimulate the sensitive underside of his penis and frenulum (the ridge that runs up the shaft)
Get Handy (for Her) – He can use HELLO TOUCH to improve his handy work. Place the vibrating pods on the back of the fingertips. This vibrates the fingers themselves, which in turn can touch and stimulate her vulva and clitoris. Or add the excitement of E-stim with HELLO TOUCH X. Or insert a finger (or two) wearing the Pleasure Pod of choice to stimulate her G-spot.
Oral Report – A vibrator can enhance oral sex in a number of ways for both men and women. FORM 3 is perfectly shaped to cup his testicles during a blowjob. Use a powerful vibrator, like FORM 4, under the chin to add vibration to oral sex. He can insert FORM 6, FORM 4 or LITTLE CHROMA a few inches inside her vagina while stimulating her clitoris with his tongue or mouth.
USING A VIBRATOR DURING SEX
Missionary (Man on Top) – FORM 3 is one of the few vibrators thin enough to fit between two bodies in this position. Rest it on your pubic bone so your hands free to explore your partner. If you can fit your hand under your partner, you can use HELLO TOUCH to stimulate yourself during sex.
Missionary (Woman on Top) – When you’re on top, there’s more leeway for clitoral stimulation. FORM 4 has an oversized motor right at the top. Rest this on his pubic bone so you can grind your clitoris against it during sex.
Doggie Style – When he’s behind you, there’s plenty of room open in front to bring in some vibration. A longer shape, like FORM 6 or MAGIC WAND, makes it easy for him to reach around and stimulate your clitoris or vulva.
Reverse Cowgirl – With woman on top facing your partner’s legs, there is plenty of room for vibrator stimulation. He can reach around with FORM 6 or MAGIC WAND, or you can lay back and stimulate yourself with a small clitoral vibrator like FORM 2. He can also try lifting one knee, so you have something to grind against. Or try FORM 5 for simultaneous labial and clitoral stimulation.
Get Creative – There is no end to the ways in which a vibrator can be incorporated into sex.
The anus has a relatively high concentration of nerve endings and can be an erogenous zone, which can make anal intercourse pleasurable if performed properly. The pudendal nerve that branches to supply the external anal sphincter also branches to the dorsal nerve of clitoris and the dorsal nerve of penis.
An insertable vibrator like FORM 6 can be a great introduction to anal sex or double penetration. HELLO TOUCH can be used to stimulate nipples during foreplay or intercourse. Play around and, in the words of the 60’s bumper sticker, “If it feels good, do it.”
1 Research by Indiana University published in 2011 issue of The Journal of Sexual Medicine