Hello, how are you doing? I hope my choice of blog reposts these past two weeks were semi-interesting. If nothing else, I had fun going back to read them and revisit the memories.
I didn’t get a chance to read blogs like I thought I would. I ended up researching a graduate program (3rd Master’s degree anyone? We will see), working extra to allow me to travel down South.
The traveling included visiting Families and Friends, learning about myself and watching people react:
- How does one deal with chemo after getting a great check-up with a Doctor who can only give a lukewarm delivery. How many times had that Doctor put their heart on the line, to be shut down?
- Or watching the robust couple who lost (or gained) everything with a brain tumor? The frank discussion of choosing not to do radiation the next time it’s needed.
- I have a tendency to see something in a home that needs done and doing it….it’s invasive, yet, needed. So, I pray that my minor moments of help are seen as a “break” not an offense.
- Talking to college students about their hopes, dreams and drinking across Europe is very entertaining.
- Cuddling with immense dogs is messy and healing.
- All done while eating a whole lot of BBQ and butter~ everything is better with butter.
This watchfulness and self-reflection of family relationships, relationships and friendships triggered a review of what I want for the future, what I want for my Life and why I want things. I know that I am not in need, but what would fulfill me?
I don’t have any hard conclusions, but I’d like to share information I’ve pondered.
Assess your friend network
Research shows that having a strong network of relationships is vital to our health.
It’s harder to make friends as we get older.
Tereasa Jones, who has a master’s degree in counseling and is a certified life coach who specializes in friendship coaching, had suggestions about how to make new friends as an adult..
According to Jones, we all move through a variety of interpersonal relationships on a daily basis.
- “Intimates” are the lifelines you can call at 3 a.m. with an emergency.
- “Friends” you spend time with, but maybe don’t share every detail of your life
- “Friendly acquaintances” are people you know you like and whom you see on a regular basis in a particular setting, like work or the yoga studio. They’re the ones you’ve considered inviting out for coffee, but never have.
- “Acquaintances” are people you’re friendly with in passing, at the store, the gym, in the elevator.
I asked myself which of these categories am I missing in my life?
None, but changes can be considered.
I have a lot of “friendly acquaintances” and “friends” by default – there is always someone I can ask to meet for coffee, a movie, a museum, talk about an issue, ask advice. And I do have a core set of “intimate friends” whom I connect with consistently, but most of them live in different states/countries….
That might be the group I need to address, locally.
It’s tough as an adult to find the time, desire and say “yes” to the odd activity, but as Amy Silverstein suggests:
Sometimes friendship is just about showing up
“Don’t be afraid to show up….Push yourself a little bit, when you sense that you’re needed. Show up with an open mind to be there in any way that your friend needs: to let her yell, cry, not say anything at all, [or to] just hold her hand.”
I’m well aware that in most cases you receive what you give.
Yes, there are the odd circumstances where you get taken advantage of….but if you keep your eyes, ears and heart open. You should be o.k.
If I keep my eyes, ears and heart open. I should be o.k.
Wish me Luck!
How is your friend situation looking? Any way you can push away from the BBQ and butter to meet someone new? Let me know about it!
Thank you to Annaliese Griffin from Well & Good
And an interesting read from a Guy's Viewpoint.
I toss and turn
all the questions I ask
all the answers I anticipate
all the time I give
not a question in return
when you have built on giving, when does it become your turn to receive?
“You can choose your friends but you sho’ can’t choose your family, an’ they’re still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge ’em or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don’t.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
Warning: The activities and responses are taken from a lapsed Catholic’s viewpoint. If you are easily offended by a humorous look at the human response towards death, customs and the Catholic Faith – bypass this post.
Three deaths so far since August, two had funerals which dievca hustled to attend. Both Catholic, one a close Family member, the other the Father of a Friend. One in PA, the other in NY.
A little background history: dievca was raised Catholic. Attended a Catholic Grade School and College. Her Baptism, Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, and Marriage all took place in the same Church. she appreciated the 20 minute Mass offered in college at one of the Sports Dorms. she doesn’t really take part in the Faith, anymore. Though Master says her Catholic still shows.
dievca is a bit disillusioned by many organized Religions, especially the orthodox versions – they are not for her. But whatever you want or need, its good for you – just don’t come asking for money.
Two years ago: dievca had lovely Aunt pass away. One of two sisters on her Dad’s side. Her Aunt (the sister) sat next to dievca during the Mass and said, “Doesn’t the navy blue casket look great and the flowers, too?” Okay~ dievca was more distracted by the Priest couldn’t be bothered to show up to give her dying Aunt her Last Rites when requested, he did not remember her Aunt’s name, never bothered to find out about her Aunt in any way — after said Aunt donated $5000 per year to that Church for multiple years and had volunteered in the school’s cafeteria after retiring. dievca’s Aunt had made the greatest of efforts to make it to Mass weekly. People made their quiet way to attend to her Funeral.
Not feeling groovy about that Catholic Church (PA) in particular.
August: dievca’s last Aunt (the sister) passed away.. This Aunt, well, let’s just say she was a challenge. ALWAYS. That said, she was very specific what she wanted for her Funeral. Same church, different funeral home, different cemetery. Mauve Casket, full-out pink Flowers, full choir – she set aside an extra $5k for a second viewing.
This is the Aunt who had sat on the sofa for 30 years, never venturing past a 4 block area. She was the expert on everything because she watched TV and read the newspaper. She never went to Mass, never volunteered, never donated money – so dievca didn’t expect the Church to know of her existence. They didn’t know her and they did ask a guest Priest to say the funeral Mass – he did his best and it was a much better Mass with less material than dievca’s other Aunt’s funeral. Five people attended. Eleanor Rigby kept playing in dievca’s head.
During that trip to PA, dievca made a point to visit, clean up and lay flowers for both sides of the Family gravesites. One of her cousins from her Mother’s side went with her.
Why did dievca clean up the gravesites? Good Question.
Actually, while cleaning – she had a chat with each Family Member.
No….they didn’t answer.
she visited the graves because people pay a lot money for a funeral, burial plot, grave marker to be remembered. dievca felt like she should take a moment on honor their last efforts to be on this Earth.
Please buy a wooden urn for dievca and toss the whole thing, unopened, into Lake Michigan. No blow back of ashes or bone that way.
The latest funeral was for a good friend’s Father. He had passed away after dealing with Alzheimer’s and Cancer. There was a sigh of relief in the Family.
dievca went to support her Friend and her Mother.The Funeral Mass was at the Church where her friend went to Grade School, Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation. She never married.
This Church was where dievca’s Friend did everything growing up. The NY version of dievca’s Midwest Catholic Church. Very 1960/70’s stain-glass windows and design. Jesus was NOT on a cross – he was done in marble, looking like a Greek sculpture on the wall with a 6 pack stomach, welcoming ALL with open arms.
Irish and Chinese attendees. Interesting mix.
dievca’s friend is of Chinese descent.
dievca loves going to Chinatown with her friend’s 86-year-old Mom.
She runs circles around dievca and her friend.
She wore heels at the funeral!
dievca took care of the Mother’s coat/scarf, toilet run, huge hugs. Her friend is awkward with that stuff, so dievca stepped in. dievca’s Mom was/is high maintenance so it’s a habit and not a problem, plus her friend is generous, she doesn’t mind sharing her Mum. She finds it a relief.
Full Mass. Elderly Priest.
He worked hard to find out about the deceased and the family – unlike the priest who said Mass for dievca’s Aunt.
dievca’s friend was nervous about her Reading, she asked if she bows to the altar or not.
dievca said, “You know, I really don’t think God or your Dad is going to mind what you do, nor your Mother…” Then there was a mix-up with who was reading what…it worked out fine.
An Altar Boy (Chinese) and an Altar Girl (Hispanic), both from the attached Catholic school and were entertaining to watch. The boy kept staring at my friend and her brother when the priest said they went to the Catholic school and that both are in the military.
The girl was yawning during the readings, then she couldn’t find the Eucharistic Bread and Wine – no one had brought the gifts up to the Altar. The Priest had to go looking for it during the Ave Maria (excellent vocalist).
The trappings of the Mass are a show.
The prayers and meditation of people who take comfort is real.
The kids, with their mess-ups, are truth.
After the Mass, dievca got her friend’s Mom to the bathroom, helped with her coat/scarf and then sent-off to the graveside. dievca needed to get back to the City and was finally able to get to the bathroom for herself, desperate from the morning coffee and wearing a full Spanx undergarment.
As she exited the bathroom, the Priest was giving the two Altar Persons “hell” – it made her laugh.
There may be death, but Life goes on.
There are some words that defy definition in the English Language – yet are so right for a situation. One “hot” word comes to mind:
Hygge (Danish) is a word used when acknowledging a feeling or moment, whether alone or with friends, at home or out, ordinary or extraordinary as cosy, charming or special.
Which seems very similar to:
Gezelligheid (Dutch), a word that depending on context can be translated as convivial, cozy, fun, or nice atmosphere, but can also show someone belonging, time spent with loved ones, the fact of seeing a friend after a long absence, or the general togetherness that gives people a warm feeling.
That said, here are some words that don’t translate easily to the English language, yet convey some very important concepts in relationships.
Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who wish to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start.
Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. A “binding force” that links two people together in any relationship.
Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone’s hair.
Retrouvailles (French): The happiness of meeting again after a long time.
Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love.
Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” One’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
Forelsket: (Norwegian): The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.
Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”
Thank you to Pamela Haag Psychology Today Article (here) with photos and additions by dievca.
With the following “Words of Wisdom” from her Mother rattling in her head
(Note: dievca’s Mum is becoming frail at 84, yet is still hitting the exercise bike for her arthritis) —
“Honey you may feel big, but I see you as strong and healthy which is so beautiful”.
Thanks, Mom XO
dievca is getting older (she’s a Libra) and she’s feeling her body losing muscle mass. In response, she’s working on it…
To motivate her progression – she ran into these photos of (young!) Athletes. she knows that she won’t be there anymore, but she can work to be the best dievca she can be.
There may be different heights, structural differences and muscle development which is endeavor specific ~ who cares?
Look how beautiful these Ladies are:
Are you feeling motivated?
quiver, shake, tremble, shiver, shudder, throb, pulsate, rattle, rock, wobble, oscillate, waver, swing, sway, move to and fro, judder
81% of women and 91% of men who have used a vibrator have done so with a partner. (1)
Enhancing sex and foreplay with a vibrator brings in a whole new level of excitement and pleasure, but like there are many different people in the World, there are many different ways to “vibe”.
Note: the ideas below are written for heterosexual couples, but many apply to same sex couples as well. The products are from “JimmyJane” a line which dievca has found to be very stable, clean-lined, hardworking and elegant.
USING A VIBRATOR DURING FOREPLAY
Tingly Touches – An erotic massage is a delicious way to start an intimate evening. Light a Natural Massage Oil Candle, slip HELLO TOUCH over your fingertips, and explore your partner’s body with vibration. Or get more adventurous with E-stim – electric sensation from HELLO TOUCH X.
Watch and Learn – According to a Men’s Health survey, 80% of women want their partner to watch them masturbate. “The fact that she’s turning you on while bringing herself to orgasm makes her feel incredibly sexy,” says sex therapist, Sandor Gardos. dievca knows that Master loves to watch her masturbate, she has used the LITTLE CHROMA, her hands and the FORM 2.
Backwards Hug – With the woman in front in a spoon position (lying or sitting), her partner in back can encircle her with his arms go fondle her breasts, vagina, and anywhere else that feels good. She can simultaneously stimulate herself with a clitoral vibrator, such as FORM 2.
Get Handy (for Him) – Adding some vibration to a hand job can multiply his pleasure. Place HELLO TOUCH on your mid-fingers and place your hand so that the two vibrators contact and rub against the sensitive underside of his shaft, just beneath the head. Alternatively, using a male masturbator like FORM 5 to stimulate the sensitive underside of his penis and frenulum (the ridge that runs up the shaft)
Get Handy (for Her) – He can use HELLO TOUCH to improve his handy work. Place the vibrating pods on the back of the fingertips. This vibrates the fingers themselves, which in turn can touch and stimulate her vulva and clitoris. Or add the excitement of E-stim with HELLO TOUCH X. Or insert a finger (or two) wearing the Pleasure Pod of choice to stimulate her G-spot.
Oral Report – A vibrator can enhance oral sex in a number of ways for both men and women. FORM 3 is perfectly shaped to cup his testicles during a blowjob. Use a powerful vibrator, like FORM 4, under the chin to add vibration to oral sex. He can insert FORM 6, FORM 4 or LITTLE CHROMA a few inches inside her vagina while stimulating her clitoris with his tongue or mouth.
USING A VIBRATOR DURING SEX
Missionary (Man on Top) – FORM 3 is one of the few vibrators thin enough to fit between two bodies in this position. Rest it on your pubic bone so your hands free to explore your partner. If you can fit your hand under your partner, you can use HELLO TOUCH to stimulate yourself during sex.
Missionary (Woman on Top) – When you’re on top, there’s more leeway for clitoral stimulation. FORM 4 has an oversized motor right at the top. Rest this on his pubic bone so you can grind your clitoris against it during sex.
Doggie Style – When he’s behind you, there’s plenty of room open in front to bring in some vibration. A longer shape, like FORM 6 or MAGIC WAND, makes it easy for him to reach around and stimulate your clitoris or vulva.
Reverse Cowgirl – With woman on top facing your partner’s legs, there is plenty of room for vibrator stimulation. He can reach around with FORM 6 or MAGIC WAND, or you can lay back and stimulate yourself with a small clitoral vibrator like FORM 2. He can also try lifting one knee, so you have something to grind against. Or try FORM 5 for simultaneous labial and clitoral stimulation.
Get Creative – There is no end to the ways in which a vibrator can be incorporated into sex.
The anus has a relatively high concentration of nerve endings and can be an erogenous zone, which can make anal intercourse pleasurable if performed properly. The pudendal nerve that branches to supply the external anal sphincter also branches to the dorsal nerve of clitoris and the dorsal nerve of penis.
An insertable vibrator like FORM 6 can be a great introduction to anal sex or double penetration. HELLO TOUCH can be used to stimulate nipples during foreplay or intercourse. Play around and, in the words of the 60’s bumper sticker, “If it feels good, do it.”
1 Research by Indiana University published in 2011 issue of The Journal of Sexual Medicine
I want to breathe your neck slowly.
Let me whisper things in your ear,
that you’ll remember when you’re not with me.
I want to undress you with kisses slowly.
Sign the walls of your labyrinth
and turn your body into a manuscript.
I want to see your hair dance, I want to be your rhythm
I want you to show my mouth your favorite places.
Let me surpass your danger zone,
until it makes you scream
and makes you forget your last name.
English translation of Despacito chorus from the Huffington Post Song of the Summer 2017