Update ~

Flying in, I hear that the anti-seizure drip kicked in – much better than having to make  a breathing tube decision. Especially when your Dad emphatically stated “no tubes”…

I arrive and drive straight to the hospital. It’s 9:30 pm on a Saturday in the Midwest, the emergency room is almost empty and I have to wander through a labyrinth to find the Neuro ICU.

…arriving to someone who can open his eyes and someone who can’t get their words out, but knows where the toilet is and gets the message across clearly by sliding to the edge of the bed, then stands/walks (shuffles) with moderate+ help and does the bm business well in a semi-private mode.  (my Dad will kill himself not to use a pan, apparently) Things are looking up!

It reminds me of M being sick and being so happy when he had a moment, too. It’s a basic action in Life that sets the tune for self-care in sickness and in health.

non-sexual gratification via scat

Now, as I look out on 6+ inches (15.2 cm) of new snow and drinking coffee, I’m devising a plan for getting my Mom “with it”.

Argh! I just realized it’s still snowing. OMG, my Dad still has my snowblower from when I lived in the Midwest. Time to ask for neighborly help with clearing the driveway.

dievca’s reference to “scat play” is something she and Master are not into – but BM’s are a part of our health and something dievca is learning to be fascinated with in regards to health….a fact of a healthy Life.

If you were curious about scat play in regards to BDSM, here’s information via Wiki:

Coprophilia (from Greek κόπρος, kópros—excrement and φιλία, philía—liking, fondness), also called scatophilia or scat (Greek: σκατά, skatá-feces),

is the paraphilia involving sexual arousal and pleasure from feces. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association, it is classified under 302.89 – Paraphilia NOS (Not Otherwise Specified) and has no diagnostic criteria other than a general statement about paraphilias that says “the diagnosis is made if the behavior, sexual urges, or fantasies cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning”. Furthermore, the DSM-IV-TR notes, “Fantasies, behaviors, or objects are paraphilic only when they lead to clinically significant distress or impairment (e.g. are obligatory, result in sexual dysfunction, require participation of non-consenting people, lead to legal complications, interfere with social relationships)”.

Although there may be no connection between coprophilia and sadomasochism (SM), the limited data on the former comes from studies of the latter. A study of 164 men in Finland from two SM clubs found that 18.2% had engaged in coprophilia; 3% as a sadist, 6.1% as a masochist, and 9.1% as both. 18% of heterosexuals and 17% of homosexuals in the study pool had tried coprophilia, showing no statistically significant difference between heterosexuals and homosexuals. In a separate article analyzing 12 men who engaged in bestiality, an additional analysis of an 11-man subgroup revealed that 6 had engaged in coprophilic behavior, compared with only 1 in the matched control group consisting of 12 SM-oriented males who did not engage in bestiality.

But if he goes…I am going to miss him fiercely.

I am afraid that I am going to babble to you the next few days. It’s my way of pushing through and letting off steam.  This release helps minimize my explosion of upset emotions about Dad. The meltdown will come, the good news is that you will probably be in India by then~

Airline ticket – check ($400)
Dial 7 – check ($29)
Rental Car – check ($97)

I feel like I won’t know anything until I see Dad with my own two eyes.
Maybe I was born in Missouri instead of Illinois~

I know I’ve said this, but I NEED to say it, again.
I have amazing friends. You included. I don’t feel alone.

Well, here we go.
He could live or he could die and I don’t have any control over the results.
Let me be calm and breathe.

This is why I kept going back so many times, I have nothing left to say – it has all been said.

My Dad knows I love him and I know he loves me.

But if he goes…I am going to miss him fiercely.

who else will give me hell and tell me that I am out of the will? d.

Raw Sex with Man Ray: 1929

Two aspects of Nature can be very Raw: Weather and Sex
Both are tied to the Seasons

dievca has been dealing with Weather for the past 3 days.
she would like to move her attention to Sex

Yes, Sex can be gentle and loving. It can also be harsh and demanding.
In BDSM there is always the elements of domination and submission
surround by messy, earthy, direct and indirect actions.

Man Ray captured what dievca is desiring with his work for the Seasons.

Models: Man Ray and Kiki de Montparnasse

When the Brussels-based art magazine Varits was unable to pay a printers’ bill in 1929 it was suggested that they publish an erotic edition to raise working capital; Louis Aragon approached Man Ray for some photographs to include in the volume, and was presented with a sheaf of closely cropped pornographic prints featuring a couple widely assumed to be Kiki Montparnesse and Man Ray himself. The edition was entitled simply 1929, and some 500 copies featuring four of the photos were printed. Most of them were promptly seized by French Customs, but the few copies that got through were soon on sale clandestinely in Paris at greatly inflated prices. (1929, by Benjamin Pret, Aragon and Man Ray is currently published by Alyscamps Press, Paris & London, ISBN 1897722 885).

(click here for the History of the photos via the Tate Modern 2003 article)

Chocoholics: You Sexy Thing

I believe in Miracles

Since you came along.

You Sexy Thing

Where did you come from, angel?
How did you know I’d be the one?
Did you know you’re everything I prayed for?
Did you know, every night and day for?
Every day, needing love and satisfaction
Now you’re lying next to me, giving it to me
Where did you come from, baby?

Oh! Kiss me, you sexy thing
Touch me baby, you sexy thing
I love the way you touch me, darling, you sexy thing
Oh! It’s ecstasy, you sexy thing

How did you know I needed you?
How did you know I needed you so badly?
How did you know I’d give my heart gladly?
Yesterday I was one of the lonely people
Now you’re lying close to me, making love to me

Hot Chocolate – You Sexy Thing (Live 1976) Click Photo for the Video


On my Mind~

Hello, how are you doing?  I hope my choice of blog reposts these past two weeks were semi-interesting.  If nothing else, I had fun going back to read them and revisit the memories.

I didn’t get a chance to read blogs like I thought I would. I ended up researching a graduate program (3rd Master’s degree anyone? We will see), working extra to allow me to travel down South.

The traveling included visiting Families and Friends, learning about myself and watching people react:

  • How does one deal with chemo after getting a great check-up with a Doctor who can only give a lukewarm delivery. How many times had that Doctor put their heart on the line, to be shut down?
  • Or watching the robust couple who lost (or gained) everything with a brain tumor? The frank discussion of choosing not to do radiation the next time it’s needed.
  • I have a tendency to see something in a home that needs done and doing it….it’s invasive, yet, needed. So, I pray that my minor moments of help are seen as a “break” not an offense.
  • Talking to college students about their hopes, dreams and drinking across Europe is very entertaining.
  • Cuddling with immense dogs is messy and healing.
  • All done while eating a whole lot of BBQ and butter~ everything is better with butter.


This watchfulness and self-reflection of family relationships, relationships and friendships triggered a review of what I want for the future, what I want for my Life and why I want things. I know that I am not in need, but what would fulfill me?

I don’t have any hard conclusions, but I’d like to share information I’ve pondered.

Assess your friend network

Research shows that having a strong network of relationships is vital to our health.

It’s harder to make friends as we get older. 

Tereasa Jones, who has a master’s degree in counseling and is a certified life coach who specializes in friendship coaching, had suggestions about how to make new friends as an adult..

According to Jones, we all move through a variety of interpersonal relationships on a daily basis.

  • “Intimates” are the lifelines you can call at 3 a.m. with an emergency.
  • “Friends” you spend time with, but maybe don’t share every detail of your life
  • “Friendly acquaintances” are people you know you like and whom you see on a regular basis in a particular setting, like work or the yoga studio. They’re the ones you’ve considered inviting out for coffee, but never have.
  • “Acquaintances” are people you’re friendly with in passing, at the store, the gym, in the elevator.

I asked myself which of these categories am I missing in my life?

None, but changes can be considered.

I have a lot of  “friendly acquaintances” and “friends” by default – there is always someone I can ask to meet for coffee, a movie, a museum, talk about an issue, ask advice.  And I do have a core set of “intimate friends” whom I connect with consistently, but most of them live in different states/countries….

That might be the group I need to address, locally.

It’s tough as an adult to find the time, desire and say “yes” to the odd activity, but as Amy Silverstein suggests:

Sometimes friendship is just about showing up

“Don’t be afraid to show up….Push yourself a little bit, when you sense that you’re needed. Show up with an open mind to be there in any way that your friend needs: to let her yell, cry, not say anything at all, [or to] just hold her hand.”

I’m well aware that in most cases you receive what you give.

Yes, there are the odd circumstances where you get taken advantage of….but if you keep your eyes, ears and heart open. You should be o.k.

If I keep my eyes, ears and heart open. I should be o.k.

Wish me Luck!

How is your friend situation looking?  Any way you can push away from the BBQ and butter to meet someone new?  Let me know about it!


Thank you to Annaliese Griffin from Well & Good 
And an interesting read from a Guy's Viewpoint.


I toss and turn
can’t sleep

all the questions I ask
all the answers I anticipate
all the time I give

not a question in return

when you have built on giving, when does it become your turn to receive?

Death, Dealing and a Sense of Humor

Asleep sculpture

ArtistPeter Schipperheyn, born Melbourne Australia 1955-  Title:  “Asleep”  carved 1987  Dimensions: 460 mm in height by 2020 mm in length by 800 mm in depth [life-size figure].  Medium:Carrara Statuario Marble .  Present locationMt Macedon Cemetery, Mt Macedon. Victoria.

“You can choose your friends but you sho’ can’t choose your family, an’ they’re still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge ’em or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don’t.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Warning:  The activities and responses are taken from a lapsed Catholic’s viewpoint. If you are easily offended by a humorous look at the human response towards death, customs and the Catholic Faith – bypass this post.

Three deaths so far since August, two had funerals which dievca hustled to attend. Both Catholic, one a close Family member, the other the Father of a Friend. One in PA, the other in NY.

A little background history: dievca was raised Catholic.  Attended a Catholic Grade School and College. Her Baptism, Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, and Marriage all took place in the same Church. she appreciated the 20 minute Mass offered in college at one of the Sports Dorms. she doesn’t really take part in the Faith, anymore. Though Master says her Catholic still shows.

dievca is a bit disillusioned by many organized Religions, especially the orthodox versions – they are not for her. But whatever you want or need, its good for you – just don’t come asking for money.

Two years ago: dievca had lovely Aunt pass away. One of two sisters on her Dad’s side.  Her Aunt (the sister) sat next to dievca during the Mass and said, “Doesn’t the navy blue casket look great and the flowers, too?” Okay~  dievca was more distracted by the Priest couldn’t be bothered to show up to give her dying Aunt her Last Rites when requested, he did not remember her Aunt’s name, never bothered to find out about her Aunt in any way — after said Aunt donated $5000 per year to that Church for multiple years and had volunteered in the school’s cafeteria after retiring. dievca’s Aunt had made the greatest of efforts to make it to Mass weekly. People made their quiet way to attend to her Funeral.

Garnet Hill Starlet Dress, Zadig & Voltaire Scarf

Not feeling groovy about that Catholic Church (PA) in particular.

August: dievca’s last Aunt (the sister) passed away..  This Aunt, well, let’s just say she was a challenge. ALWAYS.  That said, she was very specific what she wanted for her Funeral. Same church, different funeral home, different cemetery.  Mauve Casket, full-out pink Flowers, full choir – she set aside an extra $5k for a second viewing.

This is the Aunt who had sat on the sofa for 30 years, never venturing past a 4 block area. She was the expert on everything because she watched TV and read the newspaper. She never went to Mass, never volunteered, never donated money – so dievca didn’t expect the Church to know of her existence. They didn’t know her and they did ask a guest Priest to say the funeral Mass – he did his best and it was a much better Mass with less material than dievca’s other Aunt’s funeral.  Five people attended.  Eleanor Rigby kept playing in dievca’s head.

During that trip to PA, dievca made a point to visit, clean up and lay flowers for both sides of the Family gravesites. One of her cousins from her Mother’s side went with her.

Why did dievca clean up the gravesites? Good Question.

Actually, while cleaning – she had a chat with each Family Member.
No….they didn’t answer.

she visited the graves because people pay a lot money for a funeral, burial plot, grave marker to be remembered. dievca felt like she should take a moment on honor their last efforts to be on this Earth.

Please buy a wooden urn for dievca and toss the whole thing, unopened, into Lake Michigan. No blow back of ashes or bone that way.

Y Studio Dress, Faliero Sarti Scarf

J. Mendel Leather Coat

A/W 1999 Martin Margiela black leather shoes with socks (spats)

The latest funeral was for a good friend’s Father. He had passed away after dealing with Alzheimer’s and Cancer. There was a sigh of relief in the Family.

dievca went to support her Friend and her Mother.The Funeral Mass was at the Church where her friend went to Grade School, Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation. She never married.

This Church was where dievca’s Friend did everything growing up. The NY version of dievca’s Midwest Catholic Church. Very 1960/70’s stain-glass windows and design. Jesus was NOT on a cross – he was done in marble, looking like a Greek sculpture on the wall with a 6 pack stomach, welcoming ALL with open arms.

Irish and Chinese attendees. Interesting mix.

dievca’s friend is of Chinese descent.
dievca loves going to Chinatown with her friend’s 86-year-old Mom.
She runs circles around dievca and her friend.
She wore heels at the funeral!

dievca took care of the Mother’s coat/scarf, toilet run, huge hugs. Her friend is awkward with that stuff, so dievca stepped in. dievca’s Mom was/is high maintenance so it’s a habit and not a problem, plus her friend is generous, she doesn’t mind sharing her Mum. She finds it a relief.

Full Mass. Elderly Priest.
He worked hard to find out about the deceased and the family – unlike the priest who said Mass for dievca’s Aunt.

dievca’s friend was nervous about her Reading, she asked if she bows to the altar or not.
dievca said, “You know, I really don’t think God or your Dad is going to mind what you do, nor your Mother…” Then there was a mix-up with who was reading what…it worked out fine.

An Altar Boy (Chinese) and an Altar Girl (Hispanic), both from the attached Catholic school and were entertaining to watch. The boy kept staring at my friend and her brother when the priest said they went to the Catholic school and that both are in the military.
The girl was yawning during the readings, then she couldn’t find the Eucharistic Bread and Wine – no one had brought the gifts up to the Altar. The Priest had to go looking for it during the Ave Maria (excellent vocalist).

The trappings of the Mass are a show.
The prayers and meditation of people who take comfort is real.
The kids, with their mess-ups, are truth.

Spanx Full Body Shaper

After the Mass, dievca got her friend’s Mom to the bathroom, helped with her coat/scarf and then sent-off to the graveside. dievca needed to get back to the City and was finally able to get to the bathroom for herself, desperate from the morning coffee and wearing a full Spanx undergarment.

As she exited the bathroom, the Priest was giving the two Altar Persons “hell” – it made her laugh.

There may be death, but Life goes on.