Secure, Anxious, Avoidant = Attachment Styles. Where do you fall?

attachmentUniversity of Denver researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver were the first to study how attachment styles may come into play with romantic relationships. They published their findings in 1987. The original theory was developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 20th century. Bowlby theorized that an infant’s access (and perceived) access to a parental figure results in how safe and protected they feel.

If you would like to determine your attachment style, please click here!

A secure attachment is an ideal in a healthy, supportive relationship, and the majority of adults fall in line with it. Hazan and Shaver’s research stated that  56% of participants identified as having secure attachments. A secure attachment means being able to accept and support partners even despite their faults and generally feeling happy and trusting of partners. If you have a secure attachment, you’re likely good at communicating—an important skill in a relationship and the bedroom. Compared to other styles, secure attachments are more likely to have longer-term relationships.

Of the three attachment styles, anxious types are most likely to fall in love at first sight. According to Hazan and Shaver’s research, 19% of people identify as having this kind of attachment, which is prone to obsessive feelings and a need for reciprocation and higher rates than other styles. They are, however, more likely to be accepting of a partner’s faults than others—which can sometimes come at a cost. When it comes to intimacy, this type is a natural giver, but they can benefit from receiving too—they’re perfectly worthy, after all.

If you describe your love life as “an emotional rollercoaster,” you may be an avoidant attachment person. A quarter of participants in Hazan and Shaver’s research identified this type, which is characterized by having a fear of intimacy, and “emotional highs and lows.” That doesn’t mean that this type doesn’t feel attraction —they rate the same as secure types in this regard, according to Hazan and Shaver. They’re also likely to feel jealousy, though maybe not as intensely as those with anxious attachment styles. Learning how to put their walls down—even just a little—can prove most beneficial for this type. A little vulnerability may lead to more security down the line.

Personality according to Peanuts

Some say there is nothing to be learned in the comics section of the newspaper.

dievca learned to READ via comic books.

OK, that’s BIG – but other BIG things can be gleaned from reading the comics.

What about Psychology? The BIG 5 personality traits?

Psychological researchers often define personality in terms of five core traits, which can be thought of as stable dispositions that drive behavior. The five-factor model of personality encompasses these basic traits:

The names of these factors convey their meaning. Neuroticism measures an individual’s emotional stability. Extraversion is how outgoing and sociable someone is, whereas Openness to experience conveys someone’s intellectual and experiential curiosity. Conscientiousness taps into one’s discipline, rule-orientation, and integrity. Agreeableness is about being good-natured.


Let’s learn about personalities from Peanuts:

Charlie Brown = Neuroticism

Charlie Brown is a model neurotic. He is prone to depression and anxiety and paralyzing fits of over-analysis. Constantly worrying if he is liked or respected, he has a perpetual, usually dormant crush on the little redheaded girl, taking small joys in her foibles that may make her more attainable. He is noted for his inability to fly a kite.

Snoopy = Extraversion

Snoopy is a typical extravert. Flamboyant, daring, and outgoing to a fault, he tries to join in every activity and conversation. He, perhaps, flies gallant missions against the Red Baron and then brags about his exploits. For reasons potentially stemming from his long-ago abandonment of his mother, he aggressively pursues friendship and food. Snoopy is ‘Joe Cool’, the life of the party.


Lucy = (Dis)agreeableness

Defined by a single word (crabby), Lucy revels in her disagreeableness. Typical portrayals of Lucy feature her bossing around her friends, dominating her little brother, mocking Charlie Brown’s self-consciousness, and generally being a pain in the neck. Her attempts at psychiatry generally involve misguided advice delivered loudly and angrily. One recurring interaction is Lucy pretending to hold a football out for Charlie Brown to kick, and then pulling it out at the last minute. Brown goes thump and Lucy preens.

Linus = Openness to experience

Linus is clearly the brightest of all of the Peanuts gang. Witty and knowledgeable, he is prone to passionate monologues. He has invented his own creation, the Great Pumpkin, and faithfully waits in the pumpkin patches for him every Halloween. Linus has his own idiosyncrasy, an ever-present blue security blanket — but he does not seem particularly sensitive about it. It’s who he is. Too young to actively try new things, he must instead use his intellect to mull over new and interesting ideas.

Schroeder = Conscientiousness

Charlie Brown, Linus, Snoopy, and even Lucy are fairly well-developed characters. Schroeder is equally lovable, but most casual readers know him for one thing: his piano playing. Yes, Lucy has a crush on him, but that’s about her — he will have none of it. He is always practicing. Disciplined and focused on his passion for classical music, one can imagine him setting his alarm clock for 7 a.m. on weekends to try Autumn Sonata one more time. His one other preferred activity is playing catcher for the baseball team — again, the sturdy, reliable director of the action on the field. Schroeder would offer to help you move and show up 10 minutes early.


A ‘Thank You’ to James C. Kaufman and Psychology Today

Who are you?

Ask yourself,
as you are cruising the Holiday Party chaos…

Common thought holds that there are two types of social personalities. Extroverts are the norm, and they tend to draw energy from their physical and social environment and interactions in highly social situations. Introverts have got more attention, as characterized by Susan Cain in her 2012 work Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. Not surprisingly, introverts tend to draw their power from solitude and silence.

But there might be a third category of social personality: the ambivert. You may be an ambivert and not know it, but with the list of signs below, you might diagnose yourself and plan accordingly.

Extraversion (E)

I like getting my energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. I’m excited when I’m around people and I like to energize other people. I like moving into action and making things happen. I generally feel at home in the world. I often understand a problem better when I can talk out loud about it and hear what others have to say.

The following statements generally apply to me:

  • I am seen as “outgoing” or as a “people person.”
  • I feel comfortable in groups and like working in them.
  • I have a wide range of friends and know lots of people.
  • I sometimes jump too quickly into an activity and don’t allow enough time to think it over.
  • Before I start a project, I sometimes forget to stop and get clear on what I want to do and why.

Introversion (I)

I like getting my energy from dealing with the ideas, pictures, memories, and reactions that are inside my head, in my inner world. I often prefer doing things alone or with one or two people I feel comfortable with. I take time to reflect so that I have a clear idea of what I’ll be doing when I decide to act. Ideas are almost solid things for me. Sometimes I like the idea of something better than the real thing.
The following statements generally apply to me:

  • I am seen as “reflective” or “reserved.”
  • I feel comfortable being alone and like things I can do on my own.
  • I prefer to know just a few people well.
  • I sometimes spend too much time reflecting and don’t move into action quickly enough.
  • I sometimes forget to check with the outside world to see if my ideas really fit the experience.

The fact is, extraversion and introversion isn’t an either/or type of thing. It’s a spectrum and you can lie anywhere along that spectrum.


10 Signs You Are Probably An Ambivert

  1. You are most comfortable in crowded spaces, but when you are in them, you don’t tend to seek out interaction.
  2. You tolerate or engage in small talk, but can get very engaged in intimate conversations.
  3. You adjust your personality based on the energy level of the company you are in.
  4. You might be the life of the party – until you are 100% drained and cannot manage that energy any longer.
  5. In spite of being the life of the party at times, you find it hard to assert yourself and your needs in intimate situations.
  6. Meeting new people is fine, and being in new places is fine, but meeting new people in new places overwhelms you.
  7. You can’t decide which is a better memory – that one party or that night spent alone watching Netflix.
  8. You understand very quickly what drives others.
  9. Group projects or solo ones – you always achieve the same (high) level.
  10. You’ve been called both an extrovert and an introvert, and didn’t know there was another option until now.

So….who are YOU?

An extrovert, an introvert, an extroverted-introvert, an introverted extrovert, an ambivert?

Photos: Leonard Freed 1966 NYC Office Party – Magnum Photos
Looking at Type: The Fundamentals by Charles R. Martin (CAPT 1997)
Communication Motivation by Jacob Cashman

Emotions, Feelings and Drama

plural noun: emotions
a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others

plural noun: feelings
an emotional state or reaction.
“a feeling of joy”

1. a play for theater, radio, or television.
2. an exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances.

Emotions can be measured by a body’s physical response to a situation. They tend to be predictable and well understood.

Feelings are a mental response to emotions. Feelings represent a personal reaction towards experienced emotions.

Drama is making your emotions/feelings someone else’s responsibility!

Thank you to the “Emotional Detective
and a conversation with Chris from the Muscleheaded Blog

The Perfect Fit

People are always looking for the “Perfect Fit” and their Cinderella moment.  It’s just not realistic. Human beings are….well, Human Beings, with all of their endearing flaws.  As dievca watches her friends date and recently reviewing her past Life experiences she wonders who is and who has “The Perfect Fit”.

1. Myth: Your partner will always be the one.

 Fact: There is no “happily forever after” best match without change. People and relationships are not static. A great fit has the potential to  become broken, stale or wrong for participants. As you continue to age and grow in your life, you might even change who you’d pick as your partner.

Look at your relationship and ask yourself if you are both willing “to flex, experience, communicate and adjust.” Is your partner someone you  see worth struggling to reclaim or build a new way of connecting as both partners change? Do you want to?

Other important considerations are what both of you want out of the relationship and whether you’re on the same page when it comes to values and other key issues. Have you seen how your partner acts in a crisis? Do you trust each other? Do you know each other underneath your masks? Do you honor each other?

2. Myth: It’s bad to have doubts before making a commitment.

Fact: A lot of people have secret doubts that steal through their thoughts about commitment and about whether they are settling  or should have held out for something better. But that’s not the point of commitment. Statistically speaking there is always someone better than your partner in some or even all dimensions of what attracts you or feels like a best fit.

Having doubts is healthy. The older you get, the more you’re aware of the potential difficulties in relationships and you realize that relationships take hard work.  Can you overcome these obstacles or doubts as a couple while respecting each other’s differences and arrive at a compromise?

Couples run into trouble when they struggle with conflict, bury it or hide from it. In a healthy relationship, conflict is productive and mutually collaborative in terms of finding some way through the challenges as a team.

3. Myth: A successful relationship means completing each other.

Fact: Movies like “Jerry Maguire” perpetuate this myth. (Remember when Tom Cruise professed to Renée Zellweger “You complete me!”?)  This myth is so alluring. There is a strong romantic desire to find another person who completes us. Someone who makes up for our deficits or feels like the missing piece. But people don’t just function for someone else, they have their own needs and agendas.

It’s better for partners to come into the relationship whole. That way each person in the partnership has done enough on their own to develop an identity of who they are and what they want. That way they don’t need another person to complete them. Partners should want to connect, collaborate, explore and develop together — and not because they feel alone, needy or desperate.

Adapted from with Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Psychologist Jason Seidel, Psy.D and dievca…

Freakonomics: What You Don’t Know About Online Dating

And the reason why dievca went on this tangent?

This piece of Artwork:

Michael Dotson - Perfect Fit- Signed Edition $150Exhibition A – Perfect Fit
Michael Dotson’s work is informed by contemporary virtual spaces and digital tools like vector graphics and Photoshop as much as his subject matter explores the idea of fantasy or virtual realities. Using Disney cartoon characters as archetypal subject matter, saturated color gradients, and linear perspective, Dotson’s graphic paintings seem digitally rendered but in fact are painted and manipulated by hand. Using solid areas of color, patterning, and distortion of figure and ground as a spatial devices, Dotson creates simulated environments within the flat canvas surface.

In this print, the artist isolates Cinderella’s glass slipper in the climactic moment where her true potential as princess is realized –– shedding her life of unjust oppression to live happily ever after.
“The Perfect Fit”
Whew! A relationship determined by the fit of a shoe … now, that would be so much easier. 😉

Michael Dotson will present a new body of paintings in his solo exhibition, “A Whole New World”, at Galerie Zürcher in Paris opening April 11. Dotson (born 1982, Cleveland, OH) received his MFA from American University in Washington, D.C. and his BFA from the Cleveland Institute of Art. His work was included in group shows in 2014 at The Hole, Graham Gallery in New York, and “If you’re accidentally not included don’t worry about it”, curated by Peter Saul at Zürcher Studio. He has previously exhibited paintings at Jeff Bailey Gallery, Brian Morris Gallery, DCKT, and throughout the United States. He lives and works in Brooklyn.