Kink vs. Fetish

The Velvet Underground sang, “Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather…Tongue of thongs, the belt that does await you” (“Venus in Furs”).

Does the song touch on kinks or fetishes? It all depends…

‘Kink’ is a general term that describes any sexual proclivities that could be seen as unconventional. It comes from the idea that one’s sexuality may deviate from the norm—the straight line has bend in it.

Costumes, role play, BDSM—anything in that kind of area could be considered a kink, but so could plenty of accessory-free activities. One person’s standard sexual activity can be another individual’s kink. The line fluctuates from person to person.

In the past, BDSM was seen as a ‘paraphilia’ rather than a kink, grouped by psychiatrists with desires to perform non-consensual acts. There is a world of difference between consenting adults experimenting with each other in the pursuit of pleasure and people harming others against their will. Master and dievca have a relationship based upon consent – experimenting and living with a power dynamic and other activities.

A fetish is a sexual fixation on a certain object or act that is necessary for a person to achieve sexual gratification.

If you enjoy certain activities that are not considered the norm that might be a kink, but if you can’t get off without a certain object, process or activity – that’s a fetish. Anal sex you try every year on your birthday? A kink. Can’t get in the mood without being peed on? A fetish.

Kinks are employed to enhance an experience, fetishes are integral to them. 

Another way a kink becomes a fetish is if the other person can be removed from the equation – if you are turned on by shoes alone without anyone to be wearing them, that’s a fetish. Partialism is a sexual interest with a focus on a specific part of the body. This can be any part of the body, such as the hair, breasts, or buttocks. The most common form of partialism is podophilia, in which a person becomes sexually aroused by feet.

“Diversity, dievca, Diversity!”

Master and dievca had a conversation about Kink and Fetishes early in their Relationship. Master mentioned that His interest waned when a partner couldn’t orgasm unless a certain set of steps were followed in precise order while wearing a specific outfit. It was fine early in the relationship because it was about communication and learning about someone new – but later, for Him, it was tedious.

dievca has found that she likes to “change it up”, too.  Apparently, her getting off can happen in a variety of ways and Master delights in finding a new cause for orgasm.

That said, it is good when someone knows specifically what “gets them off”. Some people go through Life never understanding their body, needs nor have had their desires met. Having a fetish may offer a clear cut road for success!

Photo: dievca thinks the photo can be credited to Kaushik, Gupta

Museum of Sex – not quite what was expected.

dievca and Master have tried to change it up on dates.  The Ranger’s Game, Chinatown wandering and, now, the Museum of Sex.

We expected tackiness and Master had read at one point the Museum was to close down, but it seems like they raised the prices ($17.50 online, $19.50 offline for tickets) to keep the Museum in its space.

Location:  dievca was to meet Master in the front of the Museum at 3:00 pm and she kept looking up the address on Google.  Google wouldn’t keep a history of the name/address, so she had to keep typing it in.
233 Fifth Avenue at the corner of East 27th Street in Manhattan

dievca waited on the Street Corner for Master in her vintage Leopard Coat, triple XXX Agnes b. dress and thigh-hi patent leather boots. An homage to their experience.


Master had come from working and was in a button down shirt, brown corduroys, Brooks Brothers Cashmere coat and NO GLASSES! His eyes were settling from cataract surgery.

After bypassing the Toy store in the front of the Museum space, dievca and Master entered the Disco! Night Fever: New York Disco 1977–1979, The Bill Bernstein Photographs

GG's Barnum Room - Ava 1979 Bill Berstein

GG’s Barnum Room – Ava 1979 Bill Berstein

The space was an immersive experiences with a lounge set-up, photographs on the wall, disco soundtracks and full bar. Master had a flashback of driving a taxi in the City, picking up fares at the Clubs. The bathrooms had frosted sink windows, a non-functional “two-way” mirror at the toilet and hand holds for sex on the walls. Plus, a beefy bouncer on site.


OK-kinda fun and listening to Master’s flashback of Memories. Cool.

agnes-b-numeric-vian-dress-close-upUp the stair we went and the first show: OBJECTXXX: SELECTED ARTIFACTS FROM THE MUSEUM OF SEX ARCHIVE. It was a messy, scattered collection of “erotic” pieces dumped together with no real rhyme or reason. For an extra $3.00 you could hop into the Bouncy Boobies room. Not something that was even considered with Master’s recent surgeries.

Robert Johnson - Pixable

Robert Johnson – Pixable

dievca’s thought was “Oh, shit – this is going to be tedious.”

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dievca and Master continued on to the The Sex Lives of Animals. An exhibit trying to show the uncensored story of various animal mating and life practices. Some interesting information was offered, but dievca felt it was something that could be looked up on the internet. A better exhibition than the floor below, but not stellar.

Things are getting more interesting.

dievca has never watched a Pornography Movie — she’s watched the elegant Blow Job videos as a tutorial, early in her relationship with Master.  But, “Debbie Does Dallas” or “Deep Throat” ? Nah.

The next gallery was  about Pornography in photos, and film: HARDCORE: A CENTURY & A HALF OF OBSCENE IMAGERY

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The layout was much more comprehensive and took you though the development of photos/postcards showing French prostitutes with their striped stockings up to the mainstreaming of pornography with “Deep Throat” in 1972.  The point being that pornography was alive and well throughout the Centuries, not just a recent development with DVD’s and online activities.

Aha! the last exhibition, I think we hit the jackpot!

Known/Unknown: Private Obsession and Hidden Desire in Outsider Art


Outsider Artists:

The art in Known/Unknown is a long way from the typical art world. Many of the artists in the exhibit are self-taught, with little formal education, and range from institutionalized mental patients, to intellectually disabled people, to untutored isolates and eccentrics. Their pieces were often created in seemingly unlikely places; ranging from the sanctuary of psychiatric hospitals to private realms hidden within the lonely, impersonal jungles of teeming cities.

The exhibition offered glimpses into people’s minds and hearts from their private viewpoints of erotica and sex.  Secrecy and isolation fueled a unique creativity.

Master and dievca enjoyed this exhibition very much.  The room was empty, almost if it was too much for people to handle.  The work was evocative.


dievca’s favorite piece/collection was from a Milwaukee, WI “outsider artist”, Eugene Von Bruenchenhein.  His erotic photographs of his wife Marie are stylistic reminiscent of the 1940’s black and white pin-ups.  They convey the love and playfulness between the photographer and his muse that is titillating and profound.


Now this last offering made the trip worthwhile!


Masculine/Feminine (part 3) Master is back

Omar-Sharif_in_Lawrence_of_ArabiaFrom Master:

In the two previous posts, dievca and I have tried to show how difficult it is to put someone’s sexuality into a particular box. But what about D/s? How does that play into it?

As you’ve seen, dievca’s presentation outfits are usually “hyper-feminine.” Master prefers that and dievca enjoys planning a particular costume.

Omar Sharif the eternal male book coverAnd “costume” is a relevant word for this because Master wouldn’t want – or expect – dievca to be wearing a latex skirt on the subway.

The costumes are a form of play that is part of a general moment when both Master and dievca express the masculine/feminine aspects of themselves.



Angelina Jolie TattoosHmm–there is a big difference in dievca from “before Master” and “after Master”. she’s found that she no longer worries about being too masculine or too feminine.  she is just herself.

monroe-marilyn Milton H. GreeneWithin D/s,  dievca was given permission to be hyper-feminine for Master. she delights in dressing for Him and leaning towards the 1950’s Household Kink (works with her curves, nicely). Finding feminine outfits and wearing them to be admired by Master (and others) is an aphrodisiac in of itself. But, Master really likes when His dievca changes it up, too.

So as she write this post, dievca realizes how lucky she is ~ Her Master has His preferences, but He cherishes diversity more and that allows dievca to hold on to her Masculine side.

What changed with their relationship was that she had been given permission and the opportunity to explore her Feminine side with a strong Man. It worked because her Master cherishes both aspects of His dievca’s sexuality.

In the end, you cannot really define or limit Master’s expression of sexuality, nor dievca’s.

They have the gift of being comfortable with themselves all along the sexuality spectrum.

PS. Umm, Master? BTW. dievca is actually considering wearing one of her latex skirts on the subway — not in the BDSM form, but as a part of an outfit. diversity….is that o.k.?
Or might that be a dievca disaster?

Masculine/Feminine (part two) dievca

So what about dievca? Where does she fit on the sexuality “spectrum?”

Marlene Dietrich

In Part One of this series discussing Masculine and Feminine Characteristics, Master’s activities were discussed and what they might mean to people, when perhaps reality is a bit different.

Master asked dievca to answer the question listed above for Part Two of this series.

You might think dievca is hyper-feminine because of Her choices of dress and actions as a submissive.  That is true.  But we are going to focus on the reality that dievca runs more masculine….outside of D/s.

Let’s take a look at some Masculine and Feminine characteristics:

Feminine qualities:

  • receptive
  • creation
  • instinctual wisdom
  • relating
  • nurturing
  • compassion
  • intuition
  • empathy

Masculine qualities:

  • action-oriented
  • focused
  • assertive
  • passionate
  • transforming
  • stability
  • protect
  • support

Gender Photo

Where does dievca fit?

dievca grew up in a household established with boys. Her Mother and Father were thrilled to have a little girl and they desperately wanted to dress their princess in girly clothing. dievca wanted none of it. she wanted pants, mud, sports and to be like her brothers. But her Dad insisted that if his princess was to compete in a sport, it should be a more feminine sport – gymnastics.  Looking back, dievca’s Dad might have been the 1970’s version of a Dom.

Dorothy Hamill Wedge HaircutLet’s just say when dievca cut her hair to look like Dorothy Hamill (“America’s Sweetheart”) after the 1976 Winter Olympics and people starting calling dievca a boy — her Mom was directed to let dievca’s hair grow back. ASAP.

So, dievca was a more masculine kid in a very feminine sport.  Then as an adult when dievca started to play soccer — she was a very feminine player of a more masculine sport. Her teammates would laugh at her gazelle-like gait and elegant leaps to get to the ball.

Basically, dievca is topsy-turvy — she has been told by Gay friends that the Lesbian crowd would love her because she isn’t a Lipstick Lesbian – she’s more Butch. Hmmm~any comments from Lesbian readers on that feedback?

Sports-wise? It didn’t matter because dievca was an excellent athlete and brought great skills to both sporting endeavors. No one cared about her masculinity or femininity because she could make play for either team.  It did mix-up dievca’s view of herself — she thought that she was unattractive in either venue because she didn’t fit the correct sexual stereotype for either sport.

Thank goodness, dievca has a strong personality…

Hot businesswoman sitting with high heels feet up on office desk, holding cigar, looking at camera confidently.

Actually, her strong personality comes into play, too.  It’s often considered a more masculine trait.  dievca does needs to be dominant in her daily life. she has to be a play-maker and get things done in a timely manner — no time to be sweet as sugar…in fact, there have been some adjectives used to describe dievca that are not necessarily nice to a Lady (but if a Man was called the adjective – it would be no problem~ so dievca will take them as a compliment….)

So, does dievca dress in power suits with a lit a cigar?

On a daily basis dievca runs more downtown chic in dress. Master calls her real-life dressing: “urban chic with a touch a wit”.

So, dievca has an eclectic closet and wears many different hats (or clothes). she takes joy in dressing masculine, feminine and androgynous and because it means she has no limits, which is quite freeing. No labels.

So to answer the question at the beginning of this post?

dievca is a strong female who runs more masculine in her daily Life.

But what about D/s?
How does that play into Master and dievca’s definition of sexuality?